Primally me

If you don't know, I'm fat.  I'm happy to blame plenty of causes for it, from PCOS, to "genetics" to an unhappy childhood, to laziness, to the cost of crap foods when I first started out on my own, but blame doesn't fix the fatness it just helps me wallow in it.  And I'm very good at wallowing in the pool of blaming for my fatness.
If you don't know, last spring I suffered a miscarriage.  Now over the years, I've learned to keep the worst of the PCOS symptoms at bay.  I know the weight that I have to struggle to keep at in order to be able to be as active as I want to be.  I know what I need to do to keep it from going up.  I can manage to make sure my skin doesn't break out too bad, and I know what I need to do to hide the issues of hair growth or thinning depending on what part we're talking about.  So, I approached the need for birth control pills to gain control of my body after the miscarriage with trepidation.  I asked that the doctor be sure to prescribe me something that wouldn't make the PCOS worse.  HA!  Like that would happen--a doctor listening to a patient's concerns.  This is the long way to say that I took pills that made it all worse. 

Now I'm fighting to get my hormones under some semblance of control.  Every morning I brace myself to stand on the scale and see another half pound or more register.  After close to a decade of careful moderation to just stay fat instead of getting superfat I'm struggling again.  I hate it.

This time, I'm not going to run to the doctor for a prescription to fix this.  I've been following a blog for a while, reading what the creator Mark Sisson suggests for how we can reprogram our genes and beat our propensity for fatness.  I've slowly started to change, but I admit its hard.  Its hard to give up crappy foods, easy to make and easy to eat.  Its hard to say goodbye to refined sugar and baked goods--especially when baking is a great hobby of mine.  But the idea that I can be healthy, that I can enjoy my family and life is too appealing.

So it is with great hope and not just a little fear that I am joining in the MDA 30-day challenge http://www.marksdailyapple.com/ .  At this point I'm hoping to just stop getting fatter.  I'd be thrilled if I could drop some weight, but the weight gaining that has plagued me since the miscarriage has to be stopped.  Wish me luck.