35 things

Taking a cue from a number of stories I've read over the past year, I decided to spend my 35th birthday doing kind things.  What a noble idea, and if I felt it a wonderful success I wouldn't be sharing this, instead I would be secreting my kindnesses and feeling all warm and fuzzy about my morning of good deeds.

It was a simple idea to start with.  The kids and I pulled 35 items from the pantry to take to the Mustard Seed food bank.  Once I looked at what we pulled out I realized that we could give more and it wouldn't matter.  So we overran the 35 item count by quite a bit.

Then I thought about the things Dan and I had talked about getting rid of over the weekend, and how we needed to pare down.  So I called the Pregnancy Crisis Center and asked what they needed and what they would take.  The kids and I pulled out 35 things to donate.  We ended up with quite a bit more, once you count the toys each child added to the bags, and all the other items that I looked at and wondered why I was keeping them.  They didn't get passed on, as they were either packed or added to the gear between moves and babies (I didn't get rid of the collective stuff, in case the collective is reading ;) ).  This was our first stop on our journey this morning.  The people at the center were so appreciative, and all I could think was "Geez, its just stuff-- stuff taking up space and yet they are so thrilled with all of it, even the 60 boppy pillows that drive me nuts."  (60 may be an exaggeration...)  I felt kind of hollow.

Our next stop was the Mustard Seed to drop off the canned goods.  We emptied everything into boxes and the gentleman who helped us wished me a happy birthday. I felt like I should be the one carrying the heavy boxes into the building as I looked into his worn, leathery face--you could see a much harder life etched in every wrinkle.  The Mustard Seed employs people who might not otherwise have any opportunity to work, and many who are disadvantaged due to circumstances that seem insurmountable.    A few cans of food is nothing when you think about it.  It certainly didn't feel like it was enough when I looked at the people who were digging through the give-away bin.

The kids wondered what our next stop would be on this bizarre morning.  We drove over to the pet store and bought milkbones and tennis balls.  They couldn't figure out what I would buy something for Bandit that he can't eat.  Our ancient dog is allergic to corn (if you think corn and its derivatives are in nearly all processed human food try buying corn-free dog food sometime).  Then we went to the party store for balloons.

Our next stop took a bit longer when you consider all of the road construction in Twin Falls, but we did make it to the animal shelter where we donated the pet items.  The kids and I looked at the dogs and cats for a few minutes and then left.  Scared little pups, giant dog whining, so heartbreaking, by this point I just wanted to be done with the day and to come home.  It was too much.

The kids asked for one final stop--to go to Dan's office.  There, we gave balloons to some of Dan's coworkers.  It was there that the full disappointment of the morning hit me as I listened to my children whine about the selection in the candy dish.  In the van, on the way home, I fully realized that this whole morning was stupid and self-serving.  It certainly wasn't about helping others, or doing acts of kindness.  It wasn't about serving others or putting them first, as much as I thought it would be.  The fact is, its one lame, lousy day out of the 365 days.  Why did I need an event or special date to do something kind?  Why hadn't I gone through the closet and given those baby things away before?  Why don't I take canned goods in every week?  Heck, its not even out of my way to do it--the church has a place set aside where they'll take food donations to the food bank.  Its one half-assed attempt to teach my kids to be better people and realizing that this lesson didn't sink in anymore than any other lesson.  Perhaps, I should have asked for big gifts and had great expectations of the day.  I didn't. 

 Its just another day in my life, and I'm left feeling disappointed and empty by it.